Let’s talk about Codependence
I woke up this morning and thought– what better day to start the conversation, than on this day celebrating Independence?
Many folks who have identified codependent patterns in their relationships– whether they themselves or their loved ones are engaging in these behaviors– believe that independence is the opposite of codependence.
I hear things like:
“I don’t want to rely on them anymore! I just want to rely on myself!”
“When they get upset, I fold and do what they want because I feel so bad. I want to make up my own mind and stick to it.”
“I feel like I’m blowing in the wind.”
“I spent years supporting them, and now I want to be my own person but I don’t know where to start.”
It can feel really confusing and scary to try to imagine disengaging from codependent patterns. Imagining being independent can feel daunting or somehow not quite right as well.
And I’ll chime in here to say, that’s because it’s not. Or at least, total independence is not always the best option for everyone.
Here in the U.S. there is a lot of strong cultural messaging that prioritizes being independent, to the extent that many of us see this messaging as hyper-independent.
We have the illusion of “pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps,” “being self-made,” and we really reward doing things “all on our own.” And this day in particular, as it is celebrated in our current context, really drives this messaging home.
To be honest, it does a lot of damage including:
Ignoring the other people who likely supported and helped the “independent” person
Turning a blind eye to people and communities who were taken advantage of and harmed so that the independent person could achieve.
And then reinforcing the illusion that hard work alone creates success– which causes many people to feel like failures when that form of success isn’t happening for them.
So. If codependence doesn’t feel great and neither does independence, what’s the alternative?
I’m going to hold off on answering that right away and ask for your input first. I’d like to integrate your brilliance into my response as well.
So if you’re down, respond to this email with your answers to one or both of these questions:
What is codependence and how do you recognize it?
What might be an alternative to the codependent v. independent binary?
I’m not looking for right or wrong answers here. Legit, email me here and free associate 🦋
This is a chance for your voice to inform my response. I receive your messages personally. I read them, and then tailor these blog entries based on your responses.
And as always, if you want to dive into working on this one-on-one with me, schedule your Free Consult here.
Wishing you a day of ease, reflection, and fulfilling connection.
Dr. Rebecca Cohen
