“No way. I’m not doing that!”
Today I am going to bring us back to People Pleasing and Trauma Fawning and the specific fears that people often express when even considering the idea of beginning to heal these tendencies.
I am often told that “the mere thought of truly saying what’s on my mind” or “acting out exactly what I am feeling in the moment” brings upon feelings of terror and shame.
Stop right there. Breathe.
I won’t ask you to do that.
Well, not right away at least 😜
In your sessions with me to heal people pleasing and trauma fawning, it is true that there is an element of exposure– meaning we will conjure thoughts about the scary moments in order to find the initial edge of your anxiety about them that leads to your autopilot people-pleasing behaviors.
But we won’t cross it right away.
I'm never going to ask you to jump and do something sensational like go confront your boss between now and next session 😵💫
What we will do could look something like:
Make a list of situations in which you people please.
Do a somatic exercise to help determine which feels like the hardest to change and which feels like the least hard to change (because of course none of them are easy otherwise you would have already changed the behavior).
Then we’ll choose the one that feels the most approachable (and this is where we'll really dig in).
We’ll get a really clear cognitive understanding of what's happening for you in that circumstance.
We’ll get a really good sense of what's happening for you both emotionally and in your body. And also examine how systems of identity and power may be at play.
And thennnn we'll make a choice about what you feel ready to do.
At step 6 You may say: “yep after this examination my anxiety is not there anymore and I feel that I can speak up.”
Or you might say, “wow I did not realize all of this was packed in here and now I understand why I stay quiet or appease. Now I feel that it's a choice because I understand it and I am choosing to not push myself further in this situation because doing so actually isn’t safe or effective.”
Or we may brainstorm different ways to simply do different—something other than auto-avoid or appease.
When we go through this process we see that the solution is not black and white: speak up v. stay quiet; confront v. avoid; tell them off v. people please.
But rather, your system is likely processing A LOT of information and is just doing what it knows how to do.
So our work together becomes a time to slow down the process in a safe space where you reclaim your power of choice.
There's so much more to expand upon here but this is a taste of how we can approach specific examples in your life where people pleasing shows up– that doesn’t require you to take the plunge into your worst fears right off the bat.
So schedule that Initial Consultation with me to get this work going.
All my best,
Dr. Rebecca Cohen
