Why self-care irks me
Just kidding!
Well, kind of.
The term “self-care" and how it's often applied is what irks me– not actually caring for ourselves.
The term self-care has shifted and changed over time and can take on a rather distasteful energy in the face of a culture of multitasking, overworking, and burnout.
In the US, we live in a fast-paced society with ever-increasing demands where telling each other to “do some self care” has become pretty common. While the intentions there are certainly good, it can feel like we are being told to do something quick just so we can get back to work.
If we just do this quick thing to care for ourselves we will be able to better endure the barrage of demands placed upon us– but no substantive change has been made and it is not likely we have done enough to actually reset our nervous system.
Another not-so-great aspect to “self-care” is how it can be gate-kept by class. Simple, essential, acts of caring for our minds, bodies, hearts, and spirits can be made out to be wildly luxurious things that “we don’t deserve unless we work hard enough” (“hard enough” being a moving target, I will add).
In my own life, I don't often use the term self-care when I'm talking about things that I do to actually care for myself.
Instead, I use the word “maintenance.”
What are the things I need in order to maintain my wellbeing as a living, breathing, human?
I think it is critically important to deeply feel into what our minds, bodies, hearts, and spirits need— not only to survive our world but to sustain a life. Our life.
We need to claim these things as resources that are necessary for us to maintain our well-being.
They are not extra or frivolous, but critically important.
So no, I’m not saying to totally do away with “self-care.” And if that language continues to help you access meaningful care, then use it.
What I am saying is that for many of us, it is time to shift into a profound claiming of regular, accessible, sustainable acts of care that are simply part of what humans need to live.
This all connects back to my past two blog entries on stress management. I find this conversation about how we think and talk about caring for ourselves to be critical. We need to dig deeper in order to really claim what we need to be well– rather than do things here and there to just return to work.
Furthermore, there is often little around us that will reinforce us being firm and protective of our needs. So, I make that a big part of my job in working with you.
Together we:
🌿 Deepen your sense of knowing what you need
🌿 Dig into the current obstacles that prevent you from accessing what you need
🌿 Strategize to bring maintenance activities into your life
🌿 Tend to persnickety internal thoughts or messages from others that creep in and make you feel undeserving.
One final point I want to make super clear. Everything I have been discussing in these entries relates to healing trauma.
When I talk about cumulative stress, I am holding in my awareness the vast and devastating impacts of the historical trauma we are experiencing due to the genocide in Gaza and its ripple effects.
When I talk about a nervous system reset, I am saying that we critically need support as we weather the current demands of these times and interact with each other.
Unhealed trauma and stress lead to various forms of shutting down, walling off, detaching, and disconnection.
Healing stress and trauma ensures our ability to keep ourselves in touch with our emotions, open to possibilities, present to our capacity for empathy, and connected to each other and our own humanity.
So when I’m talking about shifting our focus from self-care to maintenance, what I’m really rooting for is: sourcing into our capacity to ensure that intergenerational trauma stops here.
In deep solidarity,
Dr. Rebecca Cohen
