Which parts of you are asking to be tended to? 🕯️
Last week, I helped organize our annual Hanukkah celebration for my Jewish community.
It was a beautiful, child-centered event where we sang, lit candles, ate latkes, and discussed important themes related to Hanukkah and the present day. Specifically, we engaged the children in questions related to war, peace, fairness, and conflict resolution.
Coincidentally, in last week’s Freedom from Fawning coaching group, we also discussed conflict. Part of our discussion focused on the lengths to which “people pleasers” will go to avoid conflict.
This may look like:
Smiling and nodding even when we disagree
Staying silent and/or our minds going blank
Doing things we don't want to do
Prioritizing another person’s wants and needs over our own in order to ensure another person's comfort or to keep the peace
In my own healing, I began confronting my conflict-avoidant tendencies most strongly when I was in graduate school. During that time, I was placed in so many situations where advocating for my clients felt imperative.
Over time, when I found myself staying silent––the conflict inside me in situations of injustice became much less tolerable than the potential outward conflict with the person I was challenging.
Now, did I totally abandon my people-pleasing skills when I spoke up? No. I used them to frame my argument in a way that I hoped was palatable to the other person.
Was this effective? Sure.
Could it still use some work? Sure. But it was a big step in learning to embody my voice and serve my clients in a way that centered their stated needs and my values.
Today, this comes forward in all aspects of my life.
While I still carry fawning and people-pleasing tendencies, I am far more aware of when they show up, which allows me to realign towards my truth.
These skills were present during our Hanukkah gathering last week.
At a time when there is so much contention, grief, pain, and fear, it is no small feat to come together in Jewish community that continues to believe in and embody the connection between Jewish and Palestinian liberation.
Were it not for my people-pleasing healing journey, it would be much harder for me to stand as firmly in my beliefs, my identity, and my integrated self.
I am offering this framing to you in hopes that it will connect with the places in you that may feel fragmented, small, or dimmed, but that are perhaps quietly asking to be seen and tended to. Little sparks of a vision of what is possible when you emerge in all aspects of your life for greater alignment.
Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to have it all figured out in order to ask for help.
Let me repeat that.
You don't have to have it all figured out in order to ask for help.
Please consider me as a resource to begin this journey.
With love,
Dr. Rebecca Cohen
